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The tiff files before were 60MB each but now they have come down to 16MB. This is the mouths above although I have done all the rest.... -
Ogr by Georgia Nicole Betteridge on Scribd ">
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The Shower Scene Fig1 This famous scene of Hitchcock's psycho works so well, its montage of cuts, its metamorphosis with the plug...
OGR 09/02/2018
ReplyDeleteHey Georgia - okay, well I think your story is very nearly there - but I'd make the following observations.
At the moment, it reads as if your boy character sees your girl character just once through the window of the train and that the girl is a passive character - in so much as she's looked at by the boy, but we don't get the sense that she's looking at him and thinking similar thoughts. I think you need to reconsider the set-up of your story to establish two things more clearly - 1) that this situation with the two characters being beside each other in the separate trains has been going on for some time and 2) that the girl is as interested in the boy as the boy is in the girl (otherwise what comes next in your story could seem to be a bit stalkerish - and it's essential to your story that we realise that the girl likes the boy, 'just the way he is' - and right now, we don't know that girl even likes him very much). When it comes to film, you have to make sure everything the audience needs from you is on screen and available.
I think there's a missed opportunity in terms of dialogue with the complaints hotline - essentially the boy is talking to 'the genie in the bottle' here - I think you could more with this moment.
Just a note of caution: at the end of your story, once the lovers are united, you appear to have a final shot of a train going into a tunnel. It might be you're completely aware that this has been used by films for many years as an indication of sexual intercourse... it's how filmmakers got around censorship issues. It does sort of make sense in your plot, but it's also a cliche, and maybe it's also a bit unromantic.
In terms of style, I like what's getting started in your storyboards and in your early character work - the tone of your story reminds me of PaperMan - I don't know if you know this one, but take a look:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l6QR3NVUQuI
Your drawings remind of mid-50s Disney - in a good way - the work of Milt Kahl on 101 Dalmatians, for example. I do think there's something appropriate about this and the romantic nature of your story so I'd suggest you look at embracing the nostalgia - even though you've got cleaners and mobile phones etc, your story is nicely old-fashioned, and I'd work with that in terms of character design, and colour palette etc.
Ok. Thanks Phil
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